In hopes to not bore my viewers I will give an accelerated version of the next events.
I left off with the day I got a positive HPT (home pregnancy test). It was 6 days after my embryo transfer and I was stoked. Unfortunately the next morning I woke up to heavy bleeding. Not enough to fill or even touch a pad, but bright red bleeding when I urinated and wiped. I was devastated. 8AM couldn’t come quickly enough for me to contact the doctor’s office to figure out what was possibly going on. In my pessimistic mind, I felt it was the beginning of the end. I knew I was losing the life that attempted to form inside of me, nonetheless I tried my best to hold onto hope. My RE moved my beta up to that day and the results came back positive but quite low, a 10.6, meaning I was barely pregnant. Over the next week I’d repeat that blood work 4 times to see if the numbers were rising. Surprisingly, they did. Each result showed an appropriate increase in my hcg level, but they remained on the low side. During that time, Google was my best friend and worse enemy. I remember tirelessly searching for low beta success stories, and each time I read one, I felt a little more hopeful. I constantly prayed over my little bean, asking God to sustain that life and my pregnancy.
Fast forward to two weeks later, I was scheduled for my first ultrasound. One bright side to IVF is that you get lots of monitoring early on during your treatment. We went for the first ultrasound and the tech had a hard time locating the sac and fetal pole, which by that time (roughly 7 weeks gestation) they would’ve been present. She finally found them but her expression told me everything I needed to know. During the exam that followed, the RE advises me I am at risk for a “threatened abortion”, or miscarriage in laymen terms. That news was quite discouraging, as the bleeding issue had resolved and my blood tests continued to increase. I was instructed to return in a week for a repeat ultrasound. That was probably one of the most stressful and nerve wrecking weeks of my life!
Finally, the day for the repeat ultrasound arrived. My husband was unable to attend the visit with me due to prior obligations. I remember praying the entire 45 minute drive to the Medical Center, asking God to work one of those great miracles He is known for. To turn the situation around and for there to be improvement and a heartbeat. I’d had another bleeding episode a few days after my initial ultrasound which was heavier and longer than the first, which had me feeling like I’d for sure lost the baby, but I remained strong in my faith, even when my flesh was weak and wanted me to believe otherwise. In the ultrasound room, I remember laying there anxiously while the tech inserted the probe, moving it from side to side trying to locate the sac. She removed it without saying much, so I asked her “were you able to find anything?” She stated that she wasn’t able to view anything on the scan, and that Dr. Kovanci would further discuss the results with me. As I walked to the exam room, I knew it was over and I could almost literally feel my heart break into a million pieces.
A few minutes later, the doctor, along with a fellow and a nurse entered the room, which was strange because he normally conducted his consults alone. His tone was somber and in a voice barely above a whisper, he told me “Today there is nothing in your uterus. I’m sorry Mrs. Bradley but you have suffered a miscarriage.” I instantly went numb, and although I had an eery feeling all along that this would be the end result, to get actual confirmation of that was quite overwhelming. I tried to hold my emotions in as he explained that the loss was presumably due to chromosomal abnormalities, which is the number one reason for early miscarriages, but the tears began to flow and I wept uncontrollably. The nurse and fellow did their best to comfort me, but it was to no avail. He went on to say that he was confident one of our remaining frozen embryos would eventually get me pregnant, and briefly touched on the FET process. Most of what he said went in one ear and out the other.
It’s hard to explain how I felt that day as I left the office knowing the little acorn I had already grown to love was gone. I felt as if God played a cruel joke on me. After all we had been through to conceive this child, now he or she was gone. I was angry, hurt, sad, confused, and the list goes on. Although I was only a little over 9 weeks along, I’d already started growing attached to the life forming inside of me. This happened about a week or so before Christmas so it really put a black cloud over my holiday as well. With time, the pain has eased but there are still moments where it gets the best of me. Attending baby showers is hard and with every FB or IG pregnancy announcement I feel joy for the expecting couple but sadness for my husband and I, as they are constant reminds of what could’ve and should’ve been. I’ve noticed lately I’ve been really emotional as my would be due date (July 20th) approaches as well.
I promise I had every intention of discussing my FETs in addition to the miscarriage, but just typing about the miscarriage has me emotionally drained. I will be back sooner than later to chronicle our frozen embryo transfer experiences